... you will be missed.

Two year's ago yesterday something tragic happened and this world lost three amazing people. A friend of mine, Jessica Schroeder was driving back to her home in Keller, Texas after visiting her family here in Denver for the holidays. In the car with her were her husband, Curt, her 10 year-old son, Wolfie, and her 1 year-old son, Augie. No one knows what happened for sure but the car they were in was hit by an 18 wheeler killing Jessica and Curt immediately. Wolfie died later at the hospital.

Fortunately, Augie survived the accident with hardly a scrape and lives with his loving family here in Colorado. While it would have been best for Augie to grow up with his mom, dad and brother there to teach him the ways of the world, he is so very lucky to be surrounded by people who care for him as much as his parents and brother did.

My heart goes out to Jess's family today. Chris and Dan, Jess's brothers, are two of the best people I've ever met. The don't deserve to deal with loss like this. But if anyone can get through it and be there for little Augie, it is this family.

Love to you all.











(above l to r: Chris & Dan Fitzgerald (Jess's Brother's), Jess, Wolfie, and in front little Augie)

...what's so special about New Year's Eve?

Really. I am serious. I'd like some answers to this question. Most of my New Year's Eve experiences have been close to awful. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am the lone person who thinks that going out on New Year's Eve is totally bogus.

If you go out on New Year's Eve, you have to deal with insanely priced events and $10 drinks only to dodge and weave your way through obnoxious drunk assholes all night. When you're ready to go home on New Year's Eve you can't drive home even if you had one drink 3 hours earlier because the risk of getting pulled over is too damn high and the wait on cabs is usually terminal. Going to a party, or even over to a friend's house for dinner, poses the exact same transportation dilemma and means that you'll be trying not to get hit by drunk drivers the whole way home. If you choose to forgo the drive home and stay in a hotel, you spend all night wishing you were dead since you can't sleep through the nasty part of your drunkeness because the aforementioned drunk assholes are running up and down the halls, slamming doors and just in general being drunk assholes. Basically New Year's is good for one thing and one thing only. Kissing. If you're single and you're looking to get some action, then New Year's Eve is the ticket. Go to a party where you're surrounded by extremely hot members of the opposite sex and then weigh your options. Decide who will be the lucky devil that gets to welcome in the new year by kissing you. But if you're married like me, really what is the point of going out for New Year's. I can stay home, save roughly $200, get my kiss 3 hours early and be in bed before the evening news. Just like ever other night.

So again I ask, what is so special about New Year's Eve?

"...listen and watch before you ever open your mouth."

The Wichita Eagle did a story on my cousin, Retired Air Force Colonel Cathy Clothier. Please check it out. Cathy is one of the strongest people I think I've ever met in my life.

Cathy Clothier

BY MOLLY MCMILLIN

The Wichita Eagle

Cathy Clothier keeps an unusual memento in her new office at Boeing's Integrated Defense Systems in Wichita: red-glittered combat boots.

Clothier is the former commander of McConnell Air Force Base's 22nd Air Refueling Wing. She received the boots as a parting gift when she left McConnell for a yearlong position at the Pentagon.

"Just click your ruby red combat boots three times," and you can come home, Clothier was told.

And she has.

Clothier, 47, retired from the Air Force in August. Last month, she began work at Boeing Wichita as program manager for B-52 sustainment and modification.

In her position, she works with engineers dedicated to sustaining, modifying and upgrading the 50-year-old bombers. She directly oversees about 90 people.

It's a role that has a similar mission from her days flying a KC-135 refueling aircraft.

"I'm excited that I still play a role in supporting the warfighter," Clothier said.

Clothier grew up in Orange, Texas, before earning an engineering degree at the Air Force Academy.

In her career, Clothier has been assigned to McConnell three times, including her term as base commander.

Since the Sept. 11 attacks, she has been deployed three times, spending time away from family on missions related to Afghanistan and Iraq.

In 2006, she left Wichita for an assignment as the Air Force General Management Office in the Pentagon to serve as the human resources person for the general officer corp.

In her role there, Clothier stressed she was not involved with the Air Force's plan to replace its tanker fleet, nor does her job at Boeing involve KC-767 tankers.

Clothier knows what it's like to leave her three children while deployed. And rather than uproot them, they stayed in Wichita during the year she spent at the Pentagon.

Clothier flew home every two or three weeks to see them. She turned down an offer to stay another year in Washington.

"That isn't what I wanted," she said. "A lot of people can follow after me in the Air Force, but I'm their only mom."

You mentioned that the transition from the Air Force to civilian life hasn't been that difficult because the Air Force and Boeing have similar focuses.

"In the Air Force we were focused on mission accomplishment and in doing the job the nation asked us to do.

"At Boeing, we're focused on delivering a high-quality product on time at competitive prices so the warfighter... can do what the nation asked them to do. I'm still in the same chain, so to speak. I'm just wearing a different suit."

Boeing has several programs to modify the B-52s with new software and other upgrades.

" (That's) so it can use the new weapons that we have now, and it can use the weapons we develop in the future and transform it from what it is now to a multimission platform, especially as we go to a network- centric warfare."

You said you think Boeing will be involved with B-52 work for some time. Why?

"There's not a lot of surplus funds to bring on a new bomber, so we're going to be flying these B-52s for quite some time. So here at Boeing Wichita, we're going to be busy."

What do you think the biggest challenge will be in your job?

"I think our biggest challenge will be taking the wonderful creative ideas that our folks have here and showing... the government the capabilities we can provide the B-52. The challenge will be our Air Force having the amount of funds to say, 'Absolutely, yes, we need that capability."'

What is your management style?

"I'm very interactive. I prefer to talk to people than e-mail them or give them a phone call. I much prefer to sit down face to face."

On the board in your office, you've written the words, "hands, head and heart." What does that mean?

"In hands... people (must have) the technical expertise and the resources to do their job; that's the foundation.

" (With) head, I tell them to be creative.... I also want to grow them as leaders and managers. If they're creative, they'll come up with new capabilities.

"Last is heart. I tell them we're going to produce quality work... (and) I want them to have fun when they come to work."

Over the years, what has been the best piece of management advice you've ever received?

"My best piece of advice was listen and watch before you ever open your mouth."

... I'd like to say that ...

So I've been pretty remiss when it comes to updating the blog.

:: shamefully shakes head::

Sorry, I know, I've let my faithful four, count them FOUR, readers down. And what do I have to say for myself? Sadly, I have no excuse. I'd like to say that I was busy shopping for Christmas gifts or volunteering down at the Salvation Army. I'd like to say that I've been skiing up in Breckenridge with my husband or out every night dancing with my pals Mana and Megan. I'd like to say that I've been so busy living life to the fullest or giving to others that I have not had time to update my blog. I'd like to say all of these things and more. I'd like to say that...

But the truth comes down to this. My zombie-like, sleep-deprived, ultra PMSified (yes, that's a word, I declare it so) butt has been squarely planted on my couch for the past 3 days. I have been alternately participating in the following activities since Tuesday: sleeping, knitting, napping, eating chocolate, napping some more, playing with my new iPod, knitting a wee bit more, catching some zzzzs, popping advils like they are skittles, snoozing, reading US weekly, mumbling about all the stuff I need to get done, cuddling with the cats and more sleeping. However, this afternoon I broke the cycle (pun intended ... wait for it ...) and ventured out into the big, bad world with my husband to look for a stationary bike (okay, you can chuckle now)! We even consumed some food that came from somewhere besides the depths of our leftover-ridden refrigerator.

Samantha left for her dad's house on Wednesday. So I've had all of Wednesday and Thursday night plus two days to catch up on all the sleep I've missed from middle of the night blood sugar checks from the past 2 weeks. Turns out all I needed was some couch time. Some time to sit on the bench and let the second string take over for a few days. Of course, my version of letting the second string take over consists of spending all day worrying about severe hypos, impending stomach flu, unanswered blockage alarms with the inevitable raging ketones to follow and the never before seen (but often worried about) hypoglycemic seizure. Most of these mishaps (or worse depending upon which we're talking about) become no more than the tiniest of blips on my radar screen when Samantha is safe and sound in my care. But the second I have to just shut off the valve in my brain labeled "vigilance", the second I get a chance to breathe a sigh of relief and settle into my place on the bench while her dad takes over, the big giant switch in my brain labeled "abdication" switches on triggering the enormous set of cogs and wheels labeled "rumination" and the thoughts flood in. So, this whole process becomes quite exhausting, which then requires more couch time, leading to more quiet moments where I can fall victim, yet again, to the fear factory that has apparently taken up shop in my little noggin. Why am I rambling on about all of this now, might you ask? And what on earth does all of this have to do with a stationary bike or for that matter the Salvation Army? More than you could ever know.

What my body and brain needed these past days were two very different things. My body needed rest and my brain needed distraction. My body needed the couch and my brain needed the stationary bike (actually I think most people would agree that my body desperately needs that as well, but you get the picture). My body needed to take care of itself, my brain needed to take care of someone else. The different parts of my being were completely at odds with one another. You would think this would be disturbing, but really I am used to it, as are most parents dealing with a child with diabetes or something else similar (or worse). So, while I'd like to say that I've been out there tearing up the town in some terribly fashionable and alluring way and while I'd like to say that I've been giving to others without regard for myself, I have not. I've been doing my best to recharge my batteries, to make my body feel whole again. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there, slowly and now I have the energy to divert the power in my brain away from the factory of fear and towards more productive things, like stationary bikes. Still not sexy and glamorous, but better than the couch. Much better than the couch.

I'd like to say that I am 100% okay with the way I live my life.

I'd like say that I don't miss the life less complicated, the one that I lived before June 2002, before blood glucose test strips littered my floor and blood glucose readings littered my brain.

After five and a half years, I'd like to say that I have completely made my peace with this new way of living ... with diabetes itself.

I'd like to say that ...

I'm kinda bummed, and not real sure why. I am cooking dinner and simultaneously avoiding doing anything else that requires my attention around the house. I'm too anxious to just sit here, but also too lazy to come up with a decent blog post. So, I'm gonna fill out one of those time wasting little questionnaire things, that I stole from a friend's old myspace blog. Here it is:

1. If I looked on your bed, what would I find?
Some pillows, sheets,duvet, fleece throw, probably a sweatshirt and a hat

2. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
closed, unless I'm alone and in a hurry

3. Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
just thrown in

4. Sleep on your back or stomach?
Dude, where's the love for us side sleepers? I guess if I have to choose, I'd say back. Never ever my stomach.

5. Are you a cuddler?
Sometimes

6. What would I find if I looked under your bed?
Miscellaneous gift wrap supplies, probably a few books, magazines, dust and a whole lotta cat hair

7. Something that happened today that made you angry?
Hmmm. Nothing.

8. What were you doing before this survey?
Making dinner

9. What will you do after this survey?
surf for a bit probably (the net, not the ocean)

10. Marriage or living together?
Both?

11. What are you wearing right now?
black 3/4 sleeve v-neck, dark blue jeans, socks, bra, undies ... the usual suspects

12. How many times have you been in love?
Probably four?

13. Do you de-label your beer bottles?
Sometimes, in fact I did that twice last night

14. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Sometimes I talk about them, but mostly I just deal with them internally

15. Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
Yeah. But don't think for a minute that I'm gonna discuss that here.

16. First thing you do when you wake up?
Put on my glasses

17. Last person you told you love them?
Samantha

18. sneeze with your eyes open or closed?
never really thought about 'til now

19. Bite or lick?
Hmmm, both? Biting is good.

20. Last argument you got into?
Let's see, probably over where to put the neighbors coats when they came over for dinner a week or so ago.

21. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
Yes, but not always.

22. What's one thing about your best friend?
Best friend = my husband

23. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
Only about 20% of the time

24. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
I doubt it. Honestly I have enough to take care of as it is.

25. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
Not a damn thing

26. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Ummm, does being broke count as something to look forward to? No, I didn't think so.

27. When will you turn 50?
2024

28. Are you ticklish?
yes, extremely and I do not think being tickled is in any way, shape or form amusing. Fastest way to piss me off? Tickle me.

29. Where do you wish you were right now?
In my bed asleep.

30. What song are you currently listening to?
No songs, just CSI (Its on the TV)

31. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
No. Never passed out, done some other things that were much worse though.

32. If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do?
Wow. What a question. My gut reaction would be to change the locks and leave his toothbrush (and only his toothbrush) sitting in the middle of the front porch. However ... I'm not sure if I would actually just leave the toothbrush, I may leave his pillow too. I have trust issues, cheat on me and it's pretty much over. Though, I honestly don't ever see this happening.

33. What time did you wake up this morning?
Which time? First time was 1:30 am, second time was 3:30 am and the last time was 8 am. I was up for a half an hour then went back to bed for a 30 minute cat nap.

34. Do you have any cousins?
Yes, a lot.

35. What makes you laugh?
Funny stuff, funny people, cute things like babies and puppies, sometimes even bad stuff makes me laugh. I guess I laugh a lot.

36. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My husband.

37. What is the worst subject they teach in school?
From personal experience I would say diving. I hated diving class.

38. Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
I am grown up. So it looks like my answer is Colorful Colorado

39. What was your dream this morning?
No clue. I don't remember.

40. Where was the last place you traveled?
Breckenridge in November.

So, today someone posted a comment about my daughter's YouTube video. Here is what she posted:


Your video gave me the courage to get an insulin pump. I was diagnosed when i was 18 months old, in 1990. I am now just getting the courage to get a pump after 17 years of shots. Your daughter is inspiring.


I have to admit I teared up a bit when I read her post. When we were faced with the task of making the video I wanted to show the impact that the disease had on her life. But I didn't want for it to be a depressing story of doom and gloom. Don't get me wrong, type 1 diabetes is a very difficult disease to manage. To give you an idea, I haven't had more than five straight nights of uninterrupted sleep since my daughter was diagnosed 5 1/2 years ago. However, learning to live with this disease has also taught all of us about strength and perseverance. We have all marveled at how courageous my daughter has been and continues to be. She fights every day to win the battle against this disease and usually prevails. Despite all of this she continues to be a kid first and foremost. I wanted for that message to come through in the video. I wanted everyone to realize that just because she has this disease doesn't mean that it has her. Making the decision to switch to the insulin pump was one of those important decisions that helped Samantha become more independent and at the same time take better care of herself. The fact that our video helped someone else find the courage to try the pump makes me feel so uplifted. I didn't want for our video to leave people with a negative impression; I wanted for people to recognize that despite everything that we deal with day in and day out, we still are hopeful. Someday there will be a cure for diabetes, but until that day comes technology (like the insulin pump) will keep improving and allow our kids to live healthier, more normal lives. Any person who has the courage to make the choice to try something new and different is truly a remarkable person and this gives me even more hope.

... submit, you know you want to.

And I have. Submitted that is. I am finally on Facebook.