Last night I had a panic attack. It sucked. Like, a lot.
Samantha left for Diabetes Camp today. She also went last year and it was her first experience being away from either me or her dad for an extended period of time since she was diagnosed. Last year was hard. I was excited for her, but it was really, really scary for me. In advance I mapped out an activities schedule for me to follow for the whole week she was away. I knew I'd need to be kept busy or I would go insane wondering if that night was the night she had wandered off into the woods with a low blood sugar. I made it through the week and when I picked her up she was like a new person. She was confident, happy, excited to see me and tell me all about her adventures. She was alive! She did not wander off into the woods and go low, he actually stayed pretty darn high most of the time. But she survived and so did I.
So this year I felt really good about camp (at least I thought I did). I've been getting Samantha all ready to go ... shopping, packing, filling out paperwork. I was so happy to see how excited she was to go back this year! I felt ready for it. I felt prepared to handle an entire week on my own with no BG tests, no bolusing or carb counting, no calls from school asking how to treat a low. I felt ready, really ready. I was sooo wrong.
Last night I could not fall asleep. I was tired but my heart was racing, my head was swimming, I felt out of breath. I stayed up watching a movie on IFC and finally went to bed at 1 am. I tossed and turned for over an hour trying to fall asleep. I finally did but was awakened only a short time later as I sat bolt upright in bed sucking in air, sweating, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, grasping at my husband with a feeling of doom. I thought I was dying. It took a few minutes for me to realize what was happening and when I did I tried to just relax and ride it out. I finally fell back asleep around 3 am only to wake up four hours later knowing I wasn't quite as ready for camp as I originally thought. When I fell out of bed this morning I felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. I had chest pains, I felt awful. Fortunately I had a little bit of Klonopin on hand. I took 1/4 of a pill and I cannot even tell you how much it helped. I felt functional again.
So I dropped my kid off at camp with a smile on my face. I didn't cry or feel like I was falling apart inside. It might have all been due to that wonderful little quarter of a pill, but I sucked it up and got through the day and my daughter was never the wiser.
I am thinking of Samantha tonight and wondering what she has done today. I am hoping she has a bedtime BG of 180 and will be a perfect 150 at the 2 am test. I feel so lucky to know that she is in good hands and that she will be taken care of while away from home. But I still worry. I think I've come to realize that no matter how many times she goes away on her own, I will always worry. I will never truly be as ready as I think I am. Maybe one day I won't need to pop an anti-anxiety med to get past it. I hope so.
6.15.2008
... the science of inspiration
Check this out! This is an amazing idea and I can't wait to see it come to fruition!
From the triabetes website ...
Triabetes is different from other previous ventures. Triabetes is, to our knowledge, the first project integrating an expertly managed training and competition curriculum, an inspirational documentary, a scientifically sound data collection and clinical research program, and the development of an interactive online educational resource for the diabetes community. These synergies establish the unprecedented impact that Triabetes will have on people with diabetes and the community at large.
From the triabetes website ...
Triabetes is different from other previous ventures. Triabetes is, to our knowledge, the first project integrating an expertly managed training and competition curriculum, an inspirational documentary, a scientifically sound data collection and clinical research program, and the development of an interactive online educational resource for the diabetes community. These synergies establish the unprecedented impact that Triabetes will have on people with diabetes and the community at large.
6.11.2008
...
I haven't posted in a while ... sorry. We've been busy buying a house, moving, having garage sales, finishing out the 4th grade (Samantha, not me, obviously) and I've found myself unemployed for the first time in 20 years and I'm job searching. So my plates been a tad bit full. However, that is no excuse!
Here's a re-post from a recent thread I started on the Children with Diabetes forum last week on the day of my daughter's 6 year diagnosis anniversary. I'm so proud of her ...
Today is Samantha's 6th year anniversary of diagnosis. I am in a bit of a funk. Last year was totally no big deal. This year it has just hit me weird. I guess no matter how good we start to feel about dealing with "the D" sometimes you just feel like crap. There is the part of me that has that gut reaction about worrying about complications (she's at that stage where they really start to watch for them) and remembering what life was like for her before dx. Then there is the more reasonable part of me that thinks about what a good job we've done of keeping her healthy and more importantly happy. So today is kinda bittersweet. I am proud of all we have done to not let this disease run our lives while keeping her in good control, but I am also aware that the grim aspects of this disease are never very far from my thoughts.
Also on a somewhat diabetes related note I have something to share that happened at Sam's school last week. Every year at the end of the year the school has an awards assembly where they give out one award to one child in each grade, the entire school and many parents are present. So 6 children total in the whole school are selected by their teachers to receive this award. This year Samantha's teachers picked her. Following is what Sam's favorite teacher said when she presented her with the award:
This year I met an amazing person, a curious, kind and respectful person. This person listens intently and thinks about things deeply.
Have you ever known anyone who redid a perfectly good assignment because she knew she could do it better? Have you ever known anyone who still thought through a problem she had the right answer for but really wanted to make sure she understood it? Have you ever known somebody who was still thinking about a concept covered in class weeks before? Do you know a fourth grader who is as creative and artistic as she is kind and caring?
There are many things that we take for granted. Such as being able to eat as much junk food as we want without having to monitor it. Most of us can run and jump and play at gym, field day and recess without giving it a second thought. This year's Eagle Feather Award goes to a student to whom these things don't always come so easily. She could easily use it as an excuse to get out of assignments and responsibilities. She does not.
I am proud to announce that this year's Eagle Feather Award goes to a student who excels despite overcoming this obstacle. The winner is: Samantha Bozin.
So I guess it helps a little having something like that to look at and remind me that no matter how much D can try to control us, we still have a choice to rise above it and be the best people we can be. If my daughter can be the kind of person she is, diabetes and all, then I can certainly get through one stupid anniversary, right?
Here's a re-post from a recent thread I started on the Children with Diabetes forum last week on the day of my daughter's 6 year diagnosis anniversary. I'm so proud of her ...
Today is Samantha's 6th year anniversary of diagnosis. I am in a bit of a funk. Last year was totally no big deal. This year it has just hit me weird. I guess no matter how good we start to feel about dealing with "the D" sometimes you just feel like crap. There is the part of me that has that gut reaction about worrying about complications (she's at that stage where they really start to watch for them) and remembering what life was like for her before dx. Then there is the more reasonable part of me that thinks about what a good job we've done of keeping her healthy and more importantly happy. So today is kinda bittersweet. I am proud of all we have done to not let this disease run our lives while keeping her in good control, but I am also aware that the grim aspects of this disease are never very far from my thoughts.
Also on a somewhat diabetes related note I have something to share that happened at Sam's school last week. Every year at the end of the year the school has an awards assembly where they give out one award to one child in each grade, the entire school and many parents are present. So 6 children total in the whole school are selected by their teachers to receive this award. This year Samantha's teachers picked her. Following is what Sam's favorite teacher said when she presented her with the award:
This year I met an amazing person, a curious, kind and respectful person. This person listens intently and thinks about things deeply.
Have you ever known anyone who redid a perfectly good assignment because she knew she could do it better? Have you ever known anyone who still thought through a problem she had the right answer for but really wanted to make sure she understood it? Have you ever known somebody who was still thinking about a concept covered in class weeks before? Do you know a fourth grader who is as creative and artistic as she is kind and caring?
There are many things that we take for granted. Such as being able to eat as much junk food as we want without having to monitor it. Most of us can run and jump and play at gym, field day and recess without giving it a second thought. This year's Eagle Feather Award goes to a student to whom these things don't always come so easily. She could easily use it as an excuse to get out of assignments and responsibilities. She does not.
I am proud to announce that this year's Eagle Feather Award goes to a student who excels despite overcoming this obstacle. The winner is: Samantha Bozin.
So I guess it helps a little having something like that to look at and remind me that no matter how much D can try to control us, we still have a choice to rise above it and be the best people we can be. If my daughter can be the kind of person she is, diabetes and all, then I can certainly get through one stupid anniversary, right?
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